Sometimes it’s hard to articulate some things and I always explained myself in writing. I love writing my thoughts and sharing them.
I once read a book called Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday and I thought I learned to ‘kill’ my ego, to destroy it. I made a mistake. I didn’t kill it nor destroy it.
I did social freedom exercises where I got embarrassed in front of strangers and I thought I killed my ego, I didn’t kill it.
Is our ego always there?
I broke up couple of months ago, I won’t go into details how and why, but the point is that I moved out instantly and then travelled to Canada and then changed the city I live, well actually, changed a whole country.
I came back to London. The city that I love so much.
I’m a hypocrite really. I think that sometimes I don’t have expectations from other people to be a certain way but I actually do and I did have expectations from my ex.
Why would I demand (in my own mind) things from other people when I didn’t fix my own issues inside?
You see the problem with me is that my self-esteem is low; it all goes to my childhood. My mum didn’t give me the love that I craved for so from a young age I said to myself that I’m not worthy of love. If you want to go deeper I can but I want to make it short and give you a bit of context.
My mum left me in Moldova, even writing left me is the wrong way to write it but hey let’s roll with it. My mum moved from Moldova (ex-USSR) to Cyprus for a better future. When I was a young child I didn’t understand that. This created insecurities, low self worth, low self esteem.
This created a lot of problems in my life. My ex loved me so much, she loved me very much. It’s the first time I felt so much love from another human being. The problem is that sub consciously I didn’t accept it because in my mind I’m not worth the love. I’m working on it, I didn’t claim I was perfect.
Everybody told me that they can see that she loves (loved) me a lot. Her parents gave her so much love is unbelievable. I was surprised by the amount of love they showed her. The reason I was surprised is because I never experienced it.
Love is contagious. As a child she grew up with lots of love so that’s why she shared the love with me. Sometimes it was too much love. (can you even say too much love?)
You see we lived together and we were together for one year; a very intimate year.
We had our problems but in the last month we had more issues. Long story short it was a shock for me (and her I guess) that we would break up.
The thing that I regret is maybe I didn’t try harder, maybe I gave up to quickly, maybe… There is a maybe that I don’t know what it’s…
I believe that my ego destroyed the relationship because I should have stayed and communicated clearly. The reason we broke up because there was a miscommunication and of course my ego got in a way and said fck I’m leaving.
I always find things that are wrong; our brain does it. It’s not just relationships it’s everything in life. This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong and so on.
How about I look in the mirror, fix my shit and stop judging other people. Yes, maybe this relationship had to end so we both learn a valuable lesson but the problem is that I didn’t try.
That’s the biggest problem.
When the tears are rolling down my face I ask myself;
Did I chase the wrong things?
Did it matter?
Did I work a lot?
Why didn’t I try harder?
The hardest question I ask; WHAT IF?
3251.42 kilometres apart but there is always some questions that you didn’t answers and you will always ask yourself.
Looking at your phone hoping to get a text, a notification, a message…something. But nothing is there, unfortunately.
There is always one person to blame and that’s me. Only me. The reality is that you have to deal with your decisions, learn from your mistakes and become more aware of your ego.
It’s not that it didn’t work out, what is painful it’s that you know that you love that person unconditionally and you miss the person every day but you have to pay the price because of your ego.
So, guys if you are in a relationship that is going nowhere and you know it’s not going anywhere…leave. If you tried your best and you know that it’s the end; leave. But make sure YOU tried your best.
I know some couples that need to get out of their relationship right now; but fear is holding them back. They are scared of being by themselves. Yet some couples don’t try enough because they think that the grass is greener on the other side.
For those that don’t know and didn’t try their best keep trying, fix yourself and leave the other person. Love yourself first. If you are lucky to have a girl/woman that loves you with all her heart; don’t let her go.
There is an amazing song that is on repeat recently…
These days… I hope some day we will seat down together and meet in the middle….